02 April 2009

so much more

so i haven't written yet this year. it has been over 3 months since my last post. i was trying to figure out why and decided it was time, as i turn 28 today, to write it out and post it up.

i have been sort of busy over the last several months. not always busy like i was before with work and everything, but busy with life. i have spent a lot of time in front of my computer but no time writing, no time expressing myself or really sharing what i have been experiencing, the good or the bad. i mean, things have been down right awful at times; i've had a relationship end, gone/am going through financial hardship (as many are), been unemployed, totaled my vw (my baby), and my parents are moving to texas. with all of that, there is no reason why i should not have been sharing about God's love, mercy, grace, protection, and provision in my life. i have so much to say. why wasn't i writing about it? it was not like writer's block. i knew what i wanted to say, i just didn't. it was as if i was afraid of something.

so what am i afraid of, what am i not sure of? i think it goes back to what i was writing about in my very first post, about being a bit of a perfectionist. but it is more than that right now. i've had this idea that until i have all my problems figured out, i can't share them with you. why? well, because then i can't be used to help you fix yours. i've felt that i need to have it all together in order for God to be able to use that situation or even me. and that's not true. He uses the messed up, the broken down, the beaten up, the weak and the weary. there is a difference between having it all together and trusting God to keep it together, being a wreck but giving it to Him and moving on.

i think what i've always known and need to remind myself constantly about Him and all of this is that it's not about being perfect or having it together in order to be used. if we waited for that to happen, we would never have a chance to do anything for God. it's about giving it over to Him, giving Him control of the situation and all of your worry, so that you can be open to being used and share your peace with others. when victory comes, we can share that too, but life isn't just about troubles and victories, there is so much more. the difficult part is how you handle the battle and that is what i have neglected to share in some of my most struggling times. i don't need to wait until i have the answer, i can write about my questions, difficulties, and how He is sustaining me, God will use all of that too.

so i have many things to write about looking at the next year of my life; things that God has blessed me with and things that i am still struggling with. i want to write about all of what i am learning and questioning, from relationships to finances, race, spirituality, anything. there is more to all of it than what i know, what i have been dealing with, and what i am searching for. so hopefully, in writing, i will get some feedback as well, knowing that i don't have it all figured out.

"great minds discuss ideas. average minds discuss events. small minds discuss people."
- eleanor roosevelt

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